Hello there old friend.

have you ever..

listen to a song..

saw a picture..

and it just brings you back to a memory from long long time ago, it feels like a different lifetime.

suddenly all the feelings, emotions just came in like waves hitting you from the inside

you feel like you're going to burst

the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, 

your body still remember after all these years

all turned to tears. not real. But you can feel it streaming down your face.

it all happened in a single second.

03.29 26.07.2015

(C) : It's not so easy for me to be a romantic.
You start off that way, and,
after you've been screwed over a few times...
You... you forget about all your delusional ideas,
and you just take what comes into your life.

That's not even true,
I haven't been...screwed over,
I've just had too many...
bla relationship. They weren't mean, they cared for me, 
but...they were no real...connection, or excitement.

At least, not from my side.

(J) : God, I'm sorry, is it...Is it really that bad?

(C) : It's not, right?
You know...It's not even that, I was...
I was fine.
Until I read your fucking book!

It stirred shit out from you,

It reminded me how...genuinely romantic I was,
how I had so much hope in things and...

now it's like...
I don't believe in anything that relates to love,
I don't feel things for people anymore.
In a way...I put all my romanticism into that one nigh stand 
I was never able to feel all this again.

Like...somehow this night took things away from me and...
I expressed them to you and
you took them with you!
It made me feel cold,

like if love wasn't for me!

~Before Sunrise (2003)

00.14 26.07.2015

I'm afraid..

I'm afraid that in this state i will forget how it feels, how terrible it was..
i was a fool..
unhappy..
insecure..
resentful..
bored..
uninspired..
dull..
aimless..

i was so lost.

and the worst part is, i didn't even try to save my own soul.
i was in denial so deep, i didn't realize i was drowning.

and now, now that i finally break free
now that i finally putting back all the broken pieces
now that i make amends with myself
now that i start to redeem my lost soul

the demon finally catching up with me..

all the good memories
the best moments
the laughter
the holding hands
the sweet kiss on my forehead
the long deep and random conversations all night
the falling asleep side by side, and waking up to a smile and adoring stares
the familiar scent
the gentle touch
the love...

makes me questions the freedom.

maybe, maybe it was better to be chained together,
to be lonely with someone than to be alone..

love... is it worth it to pay it all with your fire.. with your soul?

willing victim

Loneliness, it eats your soul
no one deserves to be
it turns you into your best and your worst
ahh.. your worst

Its started with a sweet nothing
then it turns into a bitter something
should have not begin a game that one don't know how to win

But then again, its all choices
stupid choices, stupid risks, stupid mistakes
at the time and place, it is what you needed
what you wanted

Life is simple, but you and me, we are not
we embrace complexity
it's in our blood
we can't bear to live a life without the heat, the fire, the flames
we dance and dwell in it
expect to get burned
yet refuse to feel the pain

but it's ok
because in the end, you always got yourself to blame.

the truth is... [10]

i don't want to be that person..
who, in order not to speak wrong, never speak at all
and in order not to do wrong, never do anything

i may never be the woman with the perfect hair,
who can wear white and not spoil on it
i refuse to be good, and sure don't want to please everyone
i want to make mistakes, and if i'm lucky, be able to laugh about it
i hate perfection in people expectations

life is never tidy, so might as well go along with it.

KONY 2012

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inside my head

my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish..

i should eat something, no i should sleep, i'm so sleepy,
i want to read, oh, i better watch the next episode of breaking bad before going to bed,
oh wait, i definitely should continue streaming that japanese drama i watched the other day
will the weather be nice tomorrow, i really feels like going down to the beach,
godd, why is it so dark outside,
why am i here, alone?
the internet connection better not suck
what's that sound outside my window!
i should finished all the grapes tonight, will it be bad by tomorrow?
my room's such a mess,
crap! i forgot to picked up my laundry yesterday,
i should go on shopping spree soon, i think i need to get new outfits,
gah! writing these nonsense killing my neck.
i'm seriously need a comfy chair and a coffee table,
shall i make myself a cup of coffee,
...
...