Hello there old friend.

have you ever..

listen to a song..

saw a picture..

and it just brings you back to a memory from long long time ago, it feels like a different lifetime.

suddenly all the feelings, emotions just came in like waves hitting you from the inside

you feel like you're going to burst

the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, 

your body still remember after all these years

all turned to tears. not real. But you can feel it streaming down your face.

it all happened in a single second.

03.29 26.07.2015

(C) : It's not so easy for me to be a romantic.
You start off that way, and,
after you've been screwed over a few times...
You... you forget about all your delusional ideas,
and you just take what comes into your life.

That's not even true,
I haven't been...screwed over,
I've just had too many...
bla relationship. They weren't mean, they cared for me, 
but...they were no real...connection, or excitement.

At least, not from my side.

(J) : God, I'm sorry, is it...Is it really that bad?

(C) : It's not, right?
You know...It's not even that, I was...
I was fine.
Until I read your fucking book!

It stirred shit out from you,

It reminded me how...genuinely romantic I was,
how I had so much hope in things and...

now it's like...
I don't believe in anything that relates to love,
I don't feel things for people anymore.
In a way...I put all my romanticism into that one nigh stand 
I was never able to feel all this again.

Like...somehow this night took things away from me and...
I expressed them to you and
you took them with you!
It made me feel cold,

like if love wasn't for me!

~Before Sunrise (2003)

00.14 26.07.2015

I'm afraid..

I'm afraid that in this state i will forget how it feels, how terrible it was..
i was a fool..
unhappy..
insecure..
resentful..
bored..
uninspired..
dull..
aimless..

i was so lost.

and the worst part is, i didn't even try to save my own soul.
i was in denial so deep, i didn't realize i was drowning.

and now, now that i finally break free
now that i finally putting back all the broken pieces
now that i make amends with myself
now that i start to redeem my lost soul

the demon finally catching up with me..

all the good memories
the best moments
the laughter
the holding hands
the sweet kiss on my forehead
the long deep and random conversations all night
the falling asleep side by side, and waking up to a smile and adoring stares
the familiar scent
the gentle touch
the love...

makes me questions the freedom.

maybe, maybe it was better to be chained together,
to be lonely with someone than to be alone..

love... is it worth it to pay it all with your fire.. with your soul?

willing victim

Loneliness, it eats your soul
no one deserves to be
it turns you into your best and your worst
ahh.. your worst

Its started with a sweet nothing
then it turns into a bitter something
should have not begin a game that one don't know how to win

But then again, its all choices
stupid choices, stupid risks, stupid mistakes
at the time and place, it is what you needed
what you wanted

Life is simple, but you and me, we are not
we embrace complexity
it's in our blood
we can't bear to live a life without the heat, the fire, the flames
we dance and dwell in it
expect to get burned
yet refuse to feel the pain

but it's ok
because in the end, you always got yourself to blame.

the truth is... [10]

i don't want to be that person..
who, in order not to speak wrong, never speak at all
and in order not to do wrong, never do anything

i may never be the woman with the perfect hair,
who can wear white and not spoil on it
i refuse to be good, and sure don't want to please everyone
i want to make mistakes, and if i'm lucky, be able to laugh about it
i hate perfection in people expectations

life is never tidy, so might as well go along with it.

KONY 2012

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inside my head

my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish..

i should eat something, no i should sleep, i'm so sleepy,
i want to read, oh, i better watch the next episode of breaking bad before going to bed,
oh wait, i definitely should continue streaming that japanese drama i watched the other day
will the weather be nice tomorrow, i really feels like going down to the beach,
godd, why is it so dark outside,
why am i here, alone?
the internet connection better not suck
what's that sound outside my window!
i should finished all the grapes tonight, will it be bad by tomorrow?
my room's such a mess,
crap! i forgot to picked up my laundry yesterday,
i should go on shopping spree soon, i think i need to get new outfits,
gah! writing these nonsense killing my neck.
i'm seriously need a comfy chair and a coffee table,
shall i make myself a cup of coffee,
...
...

the truth is... [9]

you're not friends.

you'll never be friends

you'll be in love until it kills you both.

you'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver,

but you'll never be friends.

love isn't brains,

it's blood,

blood screaming inside you to work its will.

i may be love's bitch, but at least i'm brave enough to admit it. 

when words fall, music speaks [5]

somebody that i used to know - Gotye

15.05 17.03.2012

It’s weird that somehow you found yourself relate to a depressed or damaged character in a movie when you thought all this time that you have a perfectly good life.
It makes you think again, were you happy?
Then another question pops up, is this was all I was ever going to get out of life, was it enough for me? 
Is it going to get downhill from now on?
Whenever i’m alone in my room i can’t help but to get bitter.
I’m a very social and lively person, you see,
yet the dark side of me always gets the best of me whenever i’m all by myself.

One thing i'm sure i must do, is learn to be my own best friends because i fall too easily into the trap of being my own worst enemy.

just a thought

i am so tired these days
some days i feel like blowing my head off so i could rest, forever
no, not suicidal, just rrreally tired

kidding, i'm fine.

see, im turning into emo bitch the second i touched my blog
well, maybe i am.
an emo blogger
godd, the name itself sounds hideous

so,
seriously, what's wrong with wanted to have it all
i want to be bad, real bad,
without judgment
i want to be good, great even
without getting an even higher expectations

for once,
i don't want to feel like im pushing myself too hard
yet, i get the satisfaction
and without being guilty to feel satisfied

sometimes i made myself believe
that i get a gift to make things sounds so complicated
i swear.

born to friends

having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of.
you know whatever you do, they'll still be there.
there's no relationships quite like sisters
i mean, you can always kid the world, but never your sister.

when words fall, music speaks [4]

there's a fire starting in my heart
reaching a fever pitch and its bringing me out the dark
the scars of your love remind me of us
they keep me thinking that we almost had it all
the scars of your love they leave me breathless
i can't help feeling
we could have had it all
rolling in the deep
you had my heart inside your hand
but you played it to the beat.

~Adele

when words fall, music speaks [3]

You're better then the best
i'm lucky just to linger in your light
cooler then the flip side of my pillow that's right
completely unaware
nothing can compare to where you send me
lets me know that it's ok
and the moments where my good times start to fade

you make me smile like the sun
fall out of bed
sing like a bird
dizzy in my head
spin like a record
crazy on a sunday night
you make me dance like a fool
forget how to breathe
shine like gold
buzz like a bee
just the thought of you can drive me wild
ohh you make me smile

even when you're gone
somehow you came along
just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that
you steal away the rain and just like that

don't know how i lived without you
'cause every time that i get around you
i see the best of me inside your eyes
you make me smile...

Uncle Kracker - Smile

the truth is... [8]

 I've never fooled anyone.

I've let people fool themselves. 

They didn't bother to find out who and what I really was.

Instead they would invent a character for me.

I wouldn't argue with them.

They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't.

When they found this out,

they would blame me for disillusioning them and fooling them.

This is how foolish people can be... most of the time.

i'm in love with Midori

Here i am, nearly 24 hours after i finished reading Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood, yet the feelings that the book brought upon me still linger in me. This book got the best characters, my ultimate favorite is Midori Kobayashi. She got this honest, radiant, smart, lively, realistic, straight forward, unpredictable personality that just blow my mind. How the author speak through the main character is really poetic, detailed and beautiful. Hands down, Murakami got a one big brilliant mind!

"I'm writing this latter to you while you're off buying drinks.

This it the first time in my life i've ever written a letter to

somebody sitting next to me on a bench, but i feel it's the

only way i can get through to you. I mean, you're hardly listening

to anything i say. Am i right?

Do you realize you did something terrible to me today?

You never even noticed that my hairstyle had changed, did

you? I've been working on it forever, trying to grow it out, and

finally, at the end of last week, i managed to get it into a style

you could actually call girlish, but you never even noticed. It

was looking pretty good, so i figured i'd give you a little shock

when you saw me for the first time after such a long time, but

it didn't even register with you. Don't you think that's awful?

I'll bet you can't even remember what i was wearing today.

Hey, i'm a girl! So what if you've got something on your

mind? You can spare me one decent look! All you had to say

was "Cute hair," and i would have been able to forgive you for

being sunk in a million thoughts, but no!

Which is why i'm going to tell you a lie. It's not true that i

have to meet my sister in the Ginza. I was planning to spend

the night at your place. I even brought my pajamas with me.

It's true. I've got my pajamas and a toothbrush in my bag. I

must be an idiot! I mean, you never even invited me over to

see your new place. Oh well, what the hell, you obviously

want to be alone, so i'll leave you alone. Go ahead and think

away to your heart's content!

But don't get me wrong. I'm not totally mad at you. I'm

just sad. You were so nice to me when i was having my problems,

but now that you're having yours, it seems there's not a

thing i can do for you. You're all locked up in that little world

of yours, and when i try knocking on the door, you just sort of

look up for a second and go right back inside.

So now i see you coming back with our drinks -- walking

and thinking. I was hoping you'd trip, but you didn't. Now

you're sitting next to me chugging down your cola. I was holding

out one last hope that you'd notice and say, "Hey, your

hair's changed!" but no go. If you had, i would have ripped

this letter up and said, "Let's go to your place. I'll make you a

nice supper. And afterward we can get in bed and cuddle."

But you're about as sensitive as a steel plate. Good-bye.

PS: Please don't talk to me next time we meet in class."

~Midori

This might sounds a little bit selfish for some people. But i'd say, this is a true feelings of a girl. A hundred percent honesty, which some girls might find it hard to express. Midori always finds her way to say what she thinks and what she feels in her unique way. You'll find yourself somehow envy her free spirit personality.

What's awe me more is how the author describe this kind of woman feelings in such effortless way that it came out so naturally.

" [Midori] So i made up my mind I was going to find someone who would love me

unconditionally three hundred and sixty-five days a year.

[Toru] Wow, and did your search pay off?

[Midori] That's the hard part. I guess I've been waiting so long I'm looking for perfection.

That makes it tough.

[Toru] Waiting for perfect love?

[Midori] No, even i know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Like, say i tell you i want

to eat strawberry shortcake. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me.

And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake

out to me. And i say i don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what i'm looking for."

~Midori

those days under the sun

lately i've been daydreaming about sunshine, blue sky, sand, water... yes, i desperately miss the beach!

then i started to reminiscing about my vacation a year ago, and feel like sharing the pictures here.

ahh, how i wish i were on the beach right now...

here we go!!

what are you going to do with your life?

In one way or another it seemed that people had been asking her this forever; teachers, her parents, friends at three in the morning, 

but the question had never seemed this pressing and still she was no nearer an answer... 

"Live each day as if it's your last', that was the conventional advice, 

but really, who had the energy for that? 

What if it rained or you felt a bit glandy?

It just wasn't practical. 

Better by far to be good and courageous and bold and to make difference. 

Not change the world exactly, 

but the bit around you. 

Cherish your friends, 

stay true to your principles, 

live passionately and fully and well. 

Experience new things. 

Love and be loved.... if you ever get the chance.

~One Day

the truth is... [7]

I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil.

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want.

If they care enough to bother with what I do,

than I'm already better than them."

~Marilyn Monroe